Testing Testicles Batman! The State of the Onion! With The Squirrel Nut Zippers!

State Of The Onion

Occasionally I will give a “State of the Onion” statement about the health and welfare of one Micky Dee. It’s much like our President’s “State of the Union” address that interrupts good TV for a night during each year.

I have a serious problem- to me only, it appears!

For men only? Not if you love your man!

But I googled the web. I made “searches” about my “problem”.

The "problem" has been "here" for years. Things get bigger and they get smaller.

You will not believe the links that you can run into when on such a quest of this.

I have no idea what a lot of these websites offer. Some like this one immediately below only stirred minor curiosity but not enough for me to check it out:

“Testicles”

“Testicles - Cheap Prices”
“Everyone Wants to Pay a Low Price. Get the Best Value for Testicles.”

I removed the hyper-link.

While you read:

enjoy some music from Chapel Hill's own Squirrel Nut Zippers!

The searches and the quest for the truth behind my malady led me to create this hub about testing your testicles for cancer, etc. I intend for the hub to be pretty serious about a serious problem. Yes, there are some “almost humorous” parts. Keep in mind that I’m also speaking of my “parts”. It’s a bit like telling a joke about Polish people. It’s not quite as tasteless –if you’re Polish. I’ll try to use “technical terms” instead of any vulgarities. I might add that the “twig and berries” seem to operate pretty well. I have no scientific data to support my findings as most of my research is done privately in my own “lab”.

I have had a problem for years now. I’ve been to doctors. I’ve told many nurses, physicians’ assistants, physicians, cyclists, passers by, etc. It’s a bit of an embarrassing problem. It may be more embarrassing for people you’re telling your problem to than to you, yourself. I have found it simply amazing how few people want to hear and talk about “this problem”. It’s about equally amazing how little time folks have in discussing the problem.

My problem is this: One testicle is huge. The other is very, incredible very small. It appears to me that my left testicle is eating the right.

So- I’ve searched for answers. I’ve had an ultra sound. I’ve wanted to know “what is up with the “Crown Jewels”.

So far I have no real answers. Some info right below doesn't match up with me among some others.

"Most men have testicles that match in size, but some men's testicles are much larger or smaller than other men's." Drastic difference in my two!

"Nearly all men have one testicle that hangs lower than the other one. Scientists think this may be so that they don't hit against each other. It can be either the left or the right that hangs lower, but in 85% of men, it is the left one." My right and smaller hangs lower.

"Fluid around a testicle. This is called a hydrocele." I was told I have fluid but wasn't given the name for it.

You can expect your physician or “care-giver” to quiz you with the following questions:

How long have you had testicular pain?

Is the pain in one testicle or both?

Exactly where does it hurt?

Did the pain begin suddenly or come on gradually?

Is the pain constant or intermittent?

How severe is the pain?

Is the pain getting worse or better?

Does the pain extend into your abdomen or back?

Have you had any recent injuries or infections?

Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?

What makes the pain worse?

Does anything help relieve the pain?

Does anything help relieve the pain?

Do you have any other symptoms like swelling, redness, change in the color of your urine, fever, or unintentional weight loss?

Does your bicycle seat divide the two testicles pushing the larger one above all else there?

Whenever the leg rises with a pedal stroke, are you tempted to move your head so that it doesn’t strike you?

Do you feel like you have a grapefruit in your cycling shorts?

When you walk, do you lean toward the side of the larger testicle?

Has your girlfriend said, “Orange you glad to see me?”

Has a tattoo artist said, “We could do a pretty nice collage on that!”?

Do the security officers at airports give the “Kids On A Swing” a double take with the magic wand?

Have you ever been denied the wearing of a “Speed-O” bathing-suit?

Has anyone ever asked point blank, “What the hell is that?”

The truth is this can be painful in situations. I’m always conscious of “IT”. Perhaps “IT” would be the appropriate name. Perhaps “Cousin IT” would do! Sitting on my bicycle seat I am too aware. As I sit typing now- I am aware. As I’m stirring in bed, trying to sleep, I am aware. I occasionally have to make adjustments. I feel as though I need a sling or a harness of some sort.

Testicles are the reproductory organs or "sex organs". Only males have testicles; females have ovaries instead. They are in a sack of skin called the scrotum.

Testicles are glands. And like glands, testicles make chemical substances that keep a body working. The testicles make chemical substances called hormones. Testicles also make sperm which can join with ova to make new life.

Women's ovaries, of course, are inside the body, but testicles are outside the main part of the body. Testicles work better if they are cooler than the inside part of the body. In cold weather, testicles pull up nearer to the body to keep warm.

Human males (and other male mammals) usually have two testicles in their scrotum. The testicles are firm, oval-shaped glands. Most men have testicles that match in size, but some men's testicles are much larger or smaller than other men's. It is normal for an adult man to have testicles that are between 14 cm³ to 35 cm³ in size.

Nearly all men have one testicle that hangs lower than the other one. Scientists think this may be so that they don't hit against each other. It can be either the left or the right that hangs lower, but in 85% of men, it is the left one.

The testicles hang in the scrotum by the spermatic cord. They are outside the body because they need to be cooler than the temperature inside the body, in order to make sperm. If a man's testicles get cold, they are automatically pulled closer to the body. The spermatic cord is tightened by the cremasteric muscle. When this muscle contracts (pulls tighter), the cord gets shorter, which pulls the testicles closer to the body. If the testicles are too warm, the cremasteric muscle relaxes (gets longer.) This lowers the testicles to keep them cooler. This is how the testicles are kept at the right temperature. This is called the cremasteric reflex. (A reflex is something your body automatically does without you thinking about it.)

There are other uses for the cremasteric reflex apart from making the testicles the right temperature. Stress can also make the cremasteric reflex work. If a male human or mammal gets into a fight, then its testicles are in danger. They automatically pull up close to the body. The cremasteric reflex also happens during sexual intercourse.

Size in animals

Studying animals can help in understanding things about people. In mammals, testicles can be very big or very small in relation to the size of the animal itself. The size has to do with the amount of sperm that the male animal needs to make. Some types of male animal generally only have one sexual partner at a time and are called monogamous. Some types of animals generally live in a herd or flock where one male will have many female sexual partners. These males are called polygamous. More sperm is needed by polygamous males than by monogamous males. Polygamous males generally have larger testicles than monogamous males. The testicles grow larger to make more sperm.

Size in men

Most men's testicles are from 14 cm³ to 35 cm³. This is a measure of volume. Sometimes Doctors need to measure a man's testicles to see if there is a problem. Doctors can measure the volume of testicles in two ways:

The orchidometer is a set of small objects that look like eggs. They are various sizes. A doctor will choose the correct size of the testicle.

The testicles can be measured with a ruler, calipers, or ultrasound. These lengths can be used to calculate volume.

Sometimes the size of a man's testicles changes.

Some reasons why testicles get smaller are:

If a man takes testosterone, the testicles do not have to work to make testosterone, so they become smaller.

If a man's testicles are kept more warm than usual, they make less sperm. So if they are kept too warm, they get smaller.

If testicles are injured (hurt) they can become smaller.

Some reasons why testicles get bigger are:

If a man takes hormones from the pituitary gland, (called gonadotropins), it can make testicles bigger. Gonadtropins are the hormones that tell the testicles to make sperm and testosterone.

Some diseases cause testicles to swell.

Illness of the testicles

The most important diseases of testicles are:

Inflammation of the testicles. This is called orchitis.

Testicular cancer

Fluid around a testicle. This is called a hydrocele.

Inflammation of the epididymis. This is called epididymitis.

Spermatic cord torsion. This is also called Testicular torsion. It is when the cord that the testicle hangs from gets twisted.

Varicocele- swollen veins to the testes. Varicocele happens more on the left.

Most boys are born with two testicles in the scrotum. The testicles have formed inside the baby's body, but moved into the scrotum before the birth. Sometimes one or both the testicles are still inside when the baby is born. Sometimes an operation is needed to fix this.

If a testicle is injured, it is extremely painful. Sometimes testicles get crushed. Sometimes it is necessary for a doctor to remove one or both the testicles. This operation is called an orchidectomy. If a man loses a testicle, a doctor can put a testicular prosthesis (false testicle) into the scrotum. It looks and feels like a testicle. If a man loses one testicle, his remaining testicle may grow larger to produce more sperm and hormones.

If a male loses both his testicles it called castration. Because the man cannot produce sperm or testosterone, it has a big effect on the man's life. Because he cannot make sperm, he cannot have children. And because he cannot make the male hormone testosterone, he becomes less like a male. He may lose some of his muscles, and put on weight. A man who has lost his testicles may take testosterone medicine so that he doesn't have these changes.

Until the 1700s in Europe, and more recently in some countries, there was a custom to castrate young male slaves and boys. Young slaves were castrated so that they could be used as guards over the wives of rich men. It meant that the wives would not fall in love with their guards. Sometimes young boys who had beautiful singing voices were castrated before puberty. This meant that their voices would stay high all their lives. These singing men were called castrati.

It is very common to castrate (remove the testicles from) male domestic animals. Male dogs and cats that are castrated do not fight so much, and do not stray around looking for females to mate with (have sex with).

Male horses are usually castrated so that they become more calm and safer to ride. A castrated male horse is called a gelding. A male horse that is not castrated is a stallion.

Male animals that are used for meat are generally castrated because it makes them fatter and also makes them quieter to keep because they do not fight each other. Most male cattle are castrated.

FYI: I actually know a fellow named "Elvis" who lives in Poplar, NC and makes a living shoeing and castrating horses.

Testicular cancer is a young man’s disease.

Most at risk are 15-35.

Men should check their testicles about once per month.

Less than one in five usually do.

Early diagnosis can be life saving.

Below is a video on how you can check yourself.

It's a real "how to test yourself" video!

Be aware the video at the link does have nudity!

After a hot bath or shower.

The testicles are relaxed and hang down lower.

Any checking is better than not checking at all.

At the upper right side is a normal epididymis gland which is quite tender.

Rest the testicles in the palm of your hands.

Compare one with the other for equal heaviness.

It’s quite normal for one to be larger than the other.

Roll the testicle gently and check for abnormality.

It should be oval in shape. Normal is firm but not hard.

You’re feeling for lumps

Most testicular cancer is diagnosed by a painless lump in the testicle.

Be aware of pain or discomfort, dragging feeling, dull ache, fluid build-up, blood in sperm, discharge.

Ultrasound of the testicles

Urinalysis and urine cultures

Examination of prostate secretions

Treatment may include:

Untwisting of the testicle (performed by an experienced doctor)

Simple surgery to fix testicular torsion (if untwisting is unsuccessful)

Antibiotics for infections

Pain medications to relieve discomfort

Surgical drainage or removal of an abscess (rare)

Surgery for a varicocele, a hydrocele, or spermatocele, particularly if the varicocele is contributing to infertility

Prevent testicle injury by wearing an athletic supporter during physical activity, especially contact sports.

Prevent sexually transmitted diseases by wearing condoms and following other safe sex procedures. If you are diagnosed with chlamydia or another STD, all sexual partners should be notified, examined, and treated, if infected.

Perform testicular self-exams monthly if you are at risk of testicular cancer.

Make sure that children have received the MMR vaccine (a combination vaccine for mumps, measles, and rubella).

Emptying the bladder completely when urinating helps prevent urinary tract infections that can lead to conditions that cause testicle pain.

Nuts

Nuggets

Bag

Nads

Stones

Rocks

Jewels

Juevos

The Twins

The Boys

Gumdrops

Cojones

Toys

Plums

Jacobs

Giblets

Eggs

Figs

Yam Bag

Mountain oysters

Family Jewels

Gonads

Coin Purse

Bagettes

Beans

Pills

Benjamins

Man Tonsils

The Step-Children

Ballbag

Male Pouch

Man Marbles

Duffel Bags

Mud Flaps

Man-Berries

Tenders

Low Riders

Buckeyes

Dragonballs

Brains

Low Hangers

Beanbag

Hackie Sack

Tea Bag

Bojangles

Giggle Berries

Ol' Wrinkly

Yarbles

Pant Potatoes

Lefticle And Righticle

Rinkle Mc'Bally

Waddle

Potato Sack

Nuggets

The Homies

Saddle Bags

Gollywobbles

Leather Pouch

Scroto Baggins

Junk

Satchel

Kiwis

Kags

Yolks

Wedding Tackle

Bean Bag

Walnuts

Chaps

Burlap Bag

Whisker Biscuits

Snow Globes

Albodigas

Obstacle

Ahacatl

Toodles

Ernesto and Evaristo

Conkers

Twiddle-diddles

Thingumbobs

Bits what dangle

Associates

Steans

Olo

Spunk tanks

Cobblers awls

Testosities

Culls

Bean pods

Bobbles

Innominables

Oysters

Tommy rollocks

Rollies

Razoos

Seed factories

Berries

Cods

Nads

Little eggs

Mirth sacs

Lamb fries

Pills

Pendants

Nutmegs

Nadgers

Marbles

Knackers

Goolies

Genitors

Dimmissaries

Cobblers

Avocados

Scollies

Grapes

Neuticles

Tackle

Nutsack

Boys

Huevos

Cullions

Balls

Bollocks

Bag

Kooks

Conks

Kernels

Seeds

Junk

Ellipsoid glandular bosies

Dangly-bits

Dingles

Sack

Stones

"Testicle" is derived from the Latin word meaning "witness," which explains why the "Witness Protection Program" has a more important meaning to men.

Remember-your testicles are priceless.